So how many people have covid-19? How many infected by coronavirus?

SAD fact is we have no idea of how many have been infected. In fact no idea of how many may be ill right now.

Some will be in hospital and we have a grasp of that number. It comes up each day during the appallingly named 'presser' – or press conference to sane people.

Some will be ill in care homes but we have no idea how many. Nor it seems have we any intention of helping them by taking them into hospital for ITU and ventilation. So they die.

Some it seems will be ill at home being cared for by their GP. Really? And some will die there it seems.

Now forgive me for being a fool but I thought that to die you had to run out of breathing ability. And that when the patient started to get bad we should call 999 and the blood wagon would arrive with paramedics to start the effort to save our lives.

Apparently you can be so bad in a care home or even at home that you die before they can even call 999. Or so it does appear.

And despite this being a highly infectious disease and therefore notifiable to the authorities that is not happening as it should. So now we fear even the ONS figures – the last line of statistical defence – is not necessarily up to date even when it is a week behind.

Of course all this would be worrying to you and I but it is manna from heaven for our government.

The last thing they want is for you and I to have the same information as they have. After all, now we know about the PPE cock up we are incandescent and even YouGov may have trouble massaging Boris's approval ratings. Although DomCum is back so maybe all is well in cloud cuckoo land.

They lie. We knew that. But I doubt we even dreamt of them lying on the industrial scale they are now.

• Ventilators? No sweat we have thousands on order... oh, we don't.
• ITU beds? We'll build our way out of... staff? Oh, yes there is that...
• Lockdown! What do you mean no jobs, no taxes, no economy... we'll plant another money tree.
• PPE? No problem, we lead the world, best prepared... what do you mean run out?
• Ventilators! New design ones! Dyson to the resc... what, don't work? Don't do the job?
• PPE? Burberry to the rescúe... what other companies? 150! Selling abroad?
• Vaccine! OxbridgeImp to the rescue... but, but, testing? What's that?
• Boris sick. Better. Worse. Not worse. Recovering. Oxygen. Recovering. Happy in Chequers. Back soon.

And it goes on, and on...

Still, look on the bright side. Now we know that it's not just Boris: all of the cabinet are useless. That they have been following the science. The scientists they pay to tell us stuff. Make ministers look good (ish).

Still, it could be worse, the orange turnip thinks it is all lies and we should just grin and bear it while Making America Grate Again. Typo? No, that is NOT a typo. It is a forecast.